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Newt Gingrich stars in "Raging Douchebag"

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Peasant: "Well, she turned me into a NEWT!" Sir Bedevere: "A NEWT?" Peasant: "…I got better."

LIES!! That is a complete and total LIE, and you know it, you lying liar! Nobody ever gets better once they have been turned into a NEWT.

Dear NEWT,

I subscribed to your occasional email screeds mostly as a joke. However, part of me, specifically the idiotic "never learns" part, did so under the misguided assumption that I would somehow, by reading your smug, extremist missives, eventually come to understand exactly what it is that makes you corrupt fuckers on the right think in the twisted manner that you do.

Ha! The only tangible result obtained from this exercise in futility was that I now lie awake at night wondering: once you Mammon-worshipping assholes have enough power, how long will it take before you force all of us peasants from our foreclosed homes and out into the (by then) tree-less, poisonous, garbage-strewn landscape to slave 18 hours a day building monuments for your overlords?

Answer: 5 minutes.

So, after months of reading your idiotic diatribes against everything liberal (i.e. against everything that I care about), I have come to the conclusion that I have no desire whatsoever to understand your particular brand of craziness. It's probably bacterial, for Christ's sake. Don't touch me!

Please remove me from your mailing list, immediately.

So, what is it about you that offends me? Good lord, I have no idea where to even start. "All of the above" would be a good beginning, probably.

Let's examine your latest masterpiece, shall we? It is titled "Your first victory":

"Last night's tax compromise between President Obama and the GOP is good news for the economy, and is proof that elections do matter."

Oh. My. God. NEWT, at this very second I am desperately fighting an overwhelming urge to deposit a hive of enraged Bullet Ants in your ass.

First off, it's not a compromise because the Republicans got what they wanted. Where is the compromise in that? What did the Democrats get in return? You know, tit-for-tat.

This just looks like tit to me.

Second: it's not good for the economy because, as any honest person understands, we will have to borrow the money from China (AGAIN) to fund the tax cuts. Even a semi-intelligent child could figure all of this out, if the facts were clearly explained to them… but apparently there are no semi-intelligent children available to explain the situation to your followers, who still believe that we can somehow cut taxes for everyone and lower the deficit at the same time.

Third: Elections hardly matter at all when the Republicans always get what they want, be it the passage of conservative legislation or the perpetual uncontested obstruction of liberal legislation, even while they are in the minority. Elections hardly matter when the group of people currently masquerading as Democrats immediately go into "Flail Mode" as soon as we elect them.

They compromise before anyone even asks them to. They make excuses. They cower. Of course it's all Kabuki…

You pretend otherwise, my beloved NEWT, because you are a fear-mongering propagandist who is fully-owned by the cleptocracy; you are part of the well-oiled media machine that routinely depicts Democrats as America-hating enemies - something to be terrified of, to mobilize against.  In your panicky diatribes against us "commies", one would think that we had already employed jack-booted storm troopers to hide in your fucking bushes 24/7, ready to take your guns away and put you and all of your asshole friends in concentration camps the second Obama gives the thumbs-up.

Hey Newt… BOOO! Hahaha. Oh, that's right, you know that it's all a crock of shit, so communists jumping out of bushes and hollering at you doesn't scare you at all.

"If the Left had won on November 2nd, there's no doubt that this deal wouldn't have happened."

Ha ha! HA! Oh shit… wait. I'm pretty sure I just pulled a muscle in my stomach. FUCK. I'll be alright, though. Maybe. God damn, it really hurts.

Look: Obama and the "Demoncrats" were looking for an excuse to extend the tax cuts anyway, and your side's victories only made it easy for them to do so without looking like complete sellouts. You know that. Most of us do. But hey… It's bipartisan! Even if it's blatantly a product of neoconservative ideology, and in absolute opposition to what are normally considered mainstream liberal ideals… it's somehow, still, bipartisan.

Seriously, how the fuck is it that you're not living under a bridge somewhere in rural Georgia where packs of wild dogs hunt humorless, rotund white men for sport?

There is no God.

"But the GOP leadership stood by their promise to prevent a massive tax increase on the American people."

TAX INCREASE?? Everyone in this country with a functional neocortex understands that repealing a tax CUT that was ruinous and stupid in the first place does not equal a tax INCREASE. And, Mr. Grinch… er, Gingrich, it was your side that insisted that if the rich didn't get their tax cuts, none of us would.

Hey Newt! When you say "American people", you're talking about the "real" Americans, right? THE RICH. The owners. I get it. It's their country, and you're just making sure that they get what they deserve, which is everything, including all of our stuff, and you are doing all of this never-ending pimping for them because that has been your occupation for decades.  

Job title: Plutocrat's Stooge. Qualifications: Morally bankrupt man-whore. Salary: about a zillion dollars a year. Physical description: pumpkin-headed, pasty-faced suit full of taco farts.

"This morning, I recorded a short video message to talk about this compromise and to thank you for all your help in making it possible..."

OK, I'm going to go ahead and stop you right there. You are a liar, sir. I have taken the liberty of editing that quote for "truthiness":

"This morning, I tried to record a short video of me gloating about this neocon victory, but… well, I can't even figure out how to turn my god damned cell phone on, much less record and edit a video. So, I called the tech guys that we hired a few months back… really handsome, well-dressed conservative fellas… and as it turns out, those guys are as dumb as a box of rocks. They couldn't even find my office. So I had my assistant show me how to use the Yellow Pages to find some tech guys to come and record the damned video. Eventually, a team of long-haired commies show up, and the bastards laughed at me the entire time they were there and then charged me an arm and a leg for twenty minutes of work. Those pinkos sure seemed like capitalists to me. But we got the video done."

Yeah, that's about right.

"Please click on the image below to watch."

Sure! That's what the unemployed, hope-deprived citizens of this country want to see: a pack of professional liars high-fiving each other because they have successfully pulled off yet another heist in broad daylight and are, as we speak, filling the zillionaires' coffers with gold that should have been spent on a future for our children.  

"We've got a long way to go, but working together with you, I'm confident that we can get Americans back to work, and save this country for our children and grandchildren."

You're confident? Well that's just grand. I'm not.

I still see jobs being sent overseas at a ridiculous rate as the modern-day Robber Barons fall all over each other trying to get as many third-world children, prisoners and desperately poor adults as possible to build their crappy products for them.  I still see banksters refusing to extend credit to small business owners so they can stay afloat, even after said banksters took our money TWICE (once in the collapse, when they raided our pensions and investment portfolios, then again in the bailout).  I see the unemployed digging through dumpsters looking for food because you sadistic fucks refuse to extend unemployment insurance.

I still see, on the faces of most politicians, a loathing of the middle class and the poor in this country.

So, what's your plan for getting Americans back to work, Newt? I'm all ears. No, wait… YOU ARE!! God damn those are some big fucking ears. Maybe you should use those gargantuan appendages to actually listen to the suffering that is going on all around you.

Newt, I don't remember a single god damned thing that you or your cronies have ever done to make this country a better place. All I have seen is the well-planned, incremental destruction of the fabric of this society ever since Reagan decided that it would be fun to ruin us.

"Your friend…"

Mother. Fucker. Sir, if there wasn't a law against it - and I'm certain that there must be! - I would staple reins to your greasy, pock-marked ass and ride you backwards at a thousand miles an hour like a fucking crack-smoking donkey through the streets of our nation's cities, day and night, relentlessly shrieking at the top of my lungs a warning about the inherent dangers of your evil, failed ideology, until every man woman and child had heard my message a hundred times.

But, again, there has got to be some kind of law against that or someone other than me would have already done it.

I would like to end on a personal note: I will always consider you a ponderous mound of monkey stool that has been all dolled-up to somewhat resemble a man-boy with a five-dollar Dutchboy haircut and a flag pin.

Your pal, CathodeRay


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